How to be a good wife – with explanation

The original Good Wife’s Guide is as it follows. Hilarious really. It’s actually collected in lovely bulletpoints, so all you wives can have it in a print out and just “tick the box”…

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

I do plan nearly all dinners ahead of time. Working women do the shopping in the weekend and then it’s just a matter of minutes to get it ready when we get home. I do say though, that meal planning, cooking, cleaning and all that “junk” should be shared and well distributed within the family so nobody feels as an unpaid slave at home. Of course if you like cooking, cleaning and taking care of everything BESIDES your day job, it’s fine, do it!

  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so  you will be refreshed for the time he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking…

Yeah, and all that. We go home together and I am mostly tired and pissed off in the car. Make up should still be in the place but a ribbon would be a stretch at this stage really…

  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

I can totally understand that thinking of lesbian sex (little gay) is surely interesting for most husbands. Mainly after a boring day at work (which should be busy instead of boring, right?!)…. This text is from a 1955 housekeeping textbook, so no, they did not think of gay sex they thought of happiness. You know… pretend to be happy even if you have your period and you would really like to rip his head off if he says it one more time that “the food needs a little more salt, sweetie”.

  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before the husband arrives.

Absolutely agree. This is exactly why people like houses with lots of storage. Like… when you are doing “the last trip”, you can go around with a basket and right before you hear the key turning in the lock, you can just shove all that crap into “the storage”. (DON’T put in “the storage”: food leftovers, sleeping, quiet animals, passports, mobile phones and valuable things. Food and animals smell when decomposed, rest will be looked for and will be blamed on you…)

  • Prepare the children. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all the noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washing machine, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Let me put it right: tell your children to pretend they are not really children but boring adults who know when to be quiet. And pretend you never do housework, so after all he does think that you are at home having fun all the time…

  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Bah! I am not a saint. And yes, I had a shit day, and yes, the children were devils and not little treasures and the washing machine is broken and I had to go back to the butcher twice because “your favourite meal ingredient” was late, and I hate when you are late and you don’t tell me (of course because you can’t, it’s so important), and no, I couldn’t get an appointment to the hairdresser and the dry cleaner had to close because there was a major leek in the building, so no, I couldn’t get your shirts and most of all: I HATE WHEN YOU GO OUT AND LEAVE ALL THIS CRAP FOR ME TO SORT OUT.

Of course sweetie. I’m glad you are home. :)

  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his action or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

My sweet Lord! I have nothing more to say. Maybe except that I naturally have a very sexy low voice. It gets a bit sharp though when I am ready to tear my hair out from stress…. :) Ahh… and I DO have the right to question him.

  • A good wife always knows her place.

Yes. Mine is at the hairdresser and the beautician. And on holidays. :)